Please tell me what the fuck I’m fighting for , am I fighting for the same thing that I’m writing for , this happiness thats attached to this revolving door . Is it that bad of a thing that I simply want more ? I’m in a continuous fight from day to night to keep my mind right , to keep my goals in sight , to keep following the light . But that shit gets dimmer and my body gets thinner and I start to let my inner , most thoughts become exposed , but “you can’t let them see you sweat” - Thats what I’ve always been told . But hearing the same ass shit starts to get old , with every day that I grow cold . And deep down inside I’m constantly crying because i know my soul is dying - I just don’t fucking know why I am fighting . Where the fuck is my reward - the world is tearin at my vocal chords , because I can’t keep talking when I ain’t gettin heard , puttin my hand in the fire of life to continuously get burned . Can the tables turn because all I’m living off of is lessons learned . A nigga can’t get no food unless it’s food for thought , but my life is this beautiful struggle - I almost forgot . Im losing sight of my purpose and I wanna know what makes this life worth it . Please tell me the purpose cus I don’t think this life is worth it . Work your ass off at a 9 to 5 and that barely keeps you alive because even doin that children are still food deprived . Fuck a black on black crime the problem is MAN on MAN crime . And every one about bein on “my time” n “my dime” and their shine. BUT - It’s about THAT time . Shake off the insignificant n work to make this planet something magnificent . It takes more then one two or three , it’s the peace of mind where we all need to be and the way we need to all believe . I don’t wanna be the only one to succeed - why can’t it be “we” . We all fall under the governmental scheme . Of their false advertisement of this “American Dream” . Cus I guess it got a ring to it , huh . But fuck all the control n fuck who’s on top , because if money wasn’t involved then all their authority would be dropped . I work my ass off but I can still barely survive , I love so deeply and my way of love is still denied, I care so much for others but from the mutual care I am deprived . Please give me a purpose and inspiration to survive .
May 1, 2012
Feb 29, 2012
She says :
She says that she doesn’t want the title - its too superficial especially when the initial thought was not to be with her …
She says I just want her to be mine, we’re together all the time, when were apart it’s a sign - we need to be together.
She says if I wanted to do it I would, just because you think I should and I know I could, doesn’t mean I will.
She says I do it all for you just to see you smile , I’ll go the extra mile, the eyes of a child, a young mind in denial ..
She says you can’t leave me pleased , you can’t fulfill my needs - there’ll be someone here when you leave, I’m open to deceive .
She doesn’t say enough - she keeps her mouth shut , these arguments are abrupt , and they’re rough - on her heart , and she wonders if they should part , but whenever those thoughts start, she comes back like its art . Like they’re dancing and they’re mix match romancing, it leaves her heart antsy , but she’s down for this lasting .
No stop! you’re over reacting, look at all the time passing , and the last thing she can remember - is centered on her. But look how the tables have turned , her future lookin something like a crash and burn … But will she learn ?
Will she learn that what she says is changing her ?
That every word , every consonant , every vowel ,
That’s exposed in statements so foul, they stick around , she keeps having to pick her face up off the ground -
And her pride , with every time that she’s cried . The hydrogen and oxygen that keeps her alive , she’s becoming deprived . But that’s alrightttttt.
That’s what she says , because she can’t get it out of her head , that she’s gonna love her and deeply so til their love is completely dead .
And that’s what she says ….
March 26, 2012
I never wanted much from you ,
I just wanted you to love me the way I love you , but it’s something you couldn’t do. The love that I’m describing in this poem I’m inditing and the way that I’m writing is a profusely rare sighting and stronger then any fix the love doctor is prescribing and it has a substantial side effect of leaving you dying , and the heart growing weak , embedding holes leaving the soul to leak , we were at the brink , of greatness and I thought our love was tenacious but I was sadly mistaken when I found your love taken , from me . How can this be . That I’m disembodied from the woman I see , in the immaculate picture of the impeccable “we.” all I can do is leaaaaaaan back in my chair and reminisce on times past , if you just look at the good you’d it expect it last, not for our voices the lash , out n slice our skin with our venomous word of tongue , insicions so deep depriving air from our lungs . I remember when we had first begun …. And now we’ve been spun , into the ultimate limitation and indefinite termination , of our love . But the deadline met my expectation , because the implication of our relationship was something like imitation . And now im withdrawing my invitation to my heart and open arms because there was no indication or warning of your constant vindication . You must have me mistaken … For a woman absent of some typa morality , but I thank you for ya hospitality and your ability to profoundly engage my mind in possibilities beyond reality , and for being the confirming factor of the actuality that there’s nothing better then our originality .
You have really opened my eyes ..
That no matter how hard you try, love can still die, these days it’s low on supply , and you have to comply, with boundaries and limits cus some shit don’t fly , like birds , birds - this shits for the birds , I’m tired of your actions cus they’ve never matched your words , that shit hurts but there’s no way for me to convert or divert the way you work so fuck it now ima leave it in the dirt . No blame on me that I’m finally walking away, you can make me feel my highest n lowest all in the same day , ima poet ima poet and I be spittin words for days but I’ve finally hit my limit where there’s no words left to say …
For all the gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders in our community struggling for acceptance, here’s to us ..
Your just , asking for too much ,
Your asking for me to believe that from the time I was conceived that I wasn’t this being your disgusted to see , the Freddy cougar of your most haunted dreams - Just because these female flings .. But that’s the thing …
These flings come and go , but sometimes the feelings grow, it’s something you should know but you refuse to let me show , from mother to foe … I’m just goin with the flow ..
But this flow is unfamiliar , you rest uneasy as you picture me laying lovingly with her, you think my soul is left to whither , but it’s just getting bigger …
And fuller and more fulfilled , the cup of hatred and heightened guards has been spilled , you’re agitated and disgraced but my heart is thrilled ..
Does love now kill ?
You’re asking me to hide my reality , you’re irrationally disgracing my morality , revoking your hospitality , I’m not asking you to love it , just some neutrality when it comes to my sexuality ..
You look at it biblically , I look at it blissfully . I create my own mind so I tend not to roll traditionally , but I love unconditionally . Initially you could say I was “straight” unofficially in my infancy . But that all changed as I grew into intimacy…
Our hearts are united - you can copyright it . I’m sorry but her love will never be uninvited - matter of fact it’ll be indited just like these feelings that are being recited - I can no longer hide it - I’ve already decided . Just stop trying to fight it ….
Just let it all go and hold me in your arms , I’m trying so hard to let down my guard, but you left me scarred, pieces of my heart and souls scattered in your yard, because my feelings you discard , like it ain’t even hard . Giving me reason to keep it all jarred .
Because people can’t see what you’re ashamed to let show, they can’t know , but you do it like a pro. As if hiding this is something that I owe , you . I’m just backing up slow .
Because I can’t keep close to you and put on this act . because anything I wanna tell you or share - I don’t wanna see how you’ll react . It’s an unfortunate fact that acceptance you lack - I’m the center of attack - but where’s YOUR soul at?
-feb6, 2012 Chanelle Norwood
February 18, 2012
Ima need you to hold my hand as you cut me down ,
Maybe that way it won’t hurt as bad when I hit the ground ,
Lower the volts of that dead beat sound ,
The breaking point has been found.
Found by multilization of your expectation of my physical and my sexual presentation , I’m sorry but you failed to mention ,
That on your totem pole , sex was of the highest altitude , but realize that I established solitude from the multitude , I’m not trying to Rude,
But I’d rather make love to your mind or your brains interior design, the way we vibe , I’m sorry but damn I’m tryin,
I gotta release all the darkness in me , the ghosts and the shadows from the things that I’ve seen , remember that to whom I made love to wasn’t always up to me .
But that’s just the thing .
It was never a state of love making , more like unwanted penetrating ,
Like my shit was theirs for the taking, my soul was left breaking - man that was an awakening .
But it’s put me here now in this very spot , when it seems like that’s first , it brings me back to all the things that I forgot .
But I guess I didn’t forget if it pops back in my mind , I feel like we go back to this time after time .
If its that big of a deal you can leave me for a vixen ,
But after you’re done will she sit there and listen , listen to all of your dreams n all your ideas with your mind you have enlisted , when you look her in her eyes and they meet will they glisten ? Will you love within the guidelines of tradition , will your hearts set fire from the friction ? Or when you aint in the bed - will it take an intermission ? words cut deep n it’s done with fine precision - No supervision .
Never mistake sex for love or love for sex , or establish if she’s coo by the size of her chest , better yet , a broad you ain’t never met , that’s not the message you wanna project , but people keep it pushin with no remorse and no regret .
I can promise that at the end of the day - no one loves you more then I do . Cuz baby we grew , together , on cue . My love will never be over due and no females love can out due , mine . Baby I’m stuck to you - super glue . The wind blew , and my heart flew , away … With you
I want to be able to be, just you and me, where nobody can intervene, and minuscule flaw can be seen, but it’s something unattainable - even in my dreams .
It starts with two but can end in one. When things that were asked to do don’t get done . Things that were asked when they first begun , but she’s just trying to have fun - I just can’t rock to the beat of that drum.
Because the tempo is rising, your actions I’m analyzing &the results I’m despising and I don’t know how or why it continues to surprise me - these problems keep arising.
It’s not even us. It’s you talking to her, you texting her, doing favors for her and taking that girl to dinner. It’s you catchin a ride with her, taking the train , coming to my city in this cold ass rain . With HER..
What’s so good about HER, why do you put her first , baby I’m feeling cursed , I feel as though you’re slowly trying to reimburse - your love ..
Or the way shed make you feel - like you never fully healed, because you got something real - but your stopping my ability to feel. Cuz I do feel betrayed as you go on your merry way, kickin it with the girl I was uncomfortable with since the first day. Make way! My heart beat’s on delay, I’ll tell you how I feel &you ain’t got shit to say .
Why is it so easy for you to stop the things I do ? When you’re uncomfortable I stop it &i do that all for you.
&it comes easy to me. I want to leave you pleased. I heard you out and felt your words and stopped doing all those things.
You expect me to stop it all and show you that it’s real, but when does your turn start? Because this is a two way deal. Pieces of my soul are starting to peel - put my heart back on sealed - now I need more time to heal .
I feel like I give you all I can and it’s never just enough, I know love isn’t easy but it should never be this rough . I’m telling you now , with her around it’s leading to mistrust . But you’ll be alright , the weeds all crushed - cop a swish and roll it up . Spark the shit and take a puff cuz you always getting fucked up . You lifted now &in the clouds and you just don’t give a fuck .
-Feb 8, 2012 Chanelle Norwood